Perfectionism, OCD, and Me
Hey all,
Today, I want to talk a bit about OCD—specifically, my experience with perfectionistic OCD, which is indeed a real subtype. Since this is a personal blog, I'm not diving into heavy research; instead, I’ll share what ChatGPT had to say on the topic:
“Perfectionist OCD, often referred to as ‘just-right’ OCD, is a type of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder where the person has an intense need for things to be perfect, precise, or to feel ‘just right.’ It’s not about typical perfectionism, where someone wants to do well; it’s more about an overwhelming sense that if things aren’t perfectly aligned, symmetrical, or done in a specific way, something will feel wrong, causing distress.”
I deeply relate to the part about "something will feel wrong, causing distress" when things aren’t just right. This is part of the reason I procrastinated for so long on launching my website. I felt I needed to be fully equipped with branding knowledge, Adobe Photoshop skills, and a complete Squarespace course before I could even start.
This perfectionistic approach has, in some ways, served me well—I completed the website. But it came at a high emotional cost, with procrastination often driven by the feeling that “I am not enough.” Although I logically know this belief is untrue, it’s still ingrained, even as I actively reject it. In the past, it was debilitating, leading to serious depression. Now, it's a quieter background hum, influencing moments at work or at home where I question if I’ve done enough, if I’ve been productive enough. Even when I know I’ve been productive, I sometimes need reassurance.
OCD is often called the "doubting disorder," and as ChatGPT puts it:
"OCD is characterized by persistent, nagging doubt that leads to compulsive behaviors aimed at seeking certainty. People with OCD experience frequent, intense worries or doubts that something is wrong, unsafe, or incomplete—even if they logically know their fears are unlikely or irrational. This doubt is so powerful that it creates a cycle of distress, compelling them to seek reassurance or repeat behaviors to try to feel ‘sure.’"
For me, that sometimes means sharing my accomplishments with others to confirm that I was, indeed, productive—despite knowing it rationally.
This journey is still a work in progress. I’m learning to recognize and manage these habits. Through years of therapy, I’m no longer as controlled by OCD as I once was. Doubt still comes from time to time, but I have more belief in my own resilience. In this season of my life, I can acknowledge my achievements and even question why I feel the need to be productive at all.
